I STILL BELIEVE

Things tend to all come crashing down at once, and its exacerbated by the inevitable feelings of loneliness that creep in, well timed with the precise moment you need to feel loved most. Abandonment, isolation, neglect fall into place and leave us wondering what the hell is left to do. To an extent, we are all alone, and will always be alone… but that doesn’t mean extremely intense connections with the right people can’t evacuate those sad thoughts in a pretty effective way. Without that connection, you feel lost in a crowd…uncared for, forgotten. Peace eludes your search and instead you find hopelessness and despair. In the last couple months, I’ve felt love, lost it, looked desperately for a place to live, packed up my entire life, visited a new city, had health problems, recovered, started two new jobs, was asked to do two more, wrote my first article, and this morning my great grandmother passed away at age 96. I feel like an entire life cycle has been crammed into the last 60 days. I know I will grow and learn from all of it, but the current stress level and subsequent pain is so great, I’ve stopped allowing myself to feel. I just need numbness right now to give me a moment to function. But I have to examine why I am compelled to numb out: breaking down in public is generally frowned upon, but it really shouldn’t be… so many reserved emotions, muted feelings, hidden cries for help… no wonder we poison ourselves with bad food, addictions, allow complacency to set in and end up with cancer. We have no relief. We are the walking dead, holding in everything until our body, mind and heart can’t take it anymore. Our souls are dying with every inhibited reaction. I want to live in an environment where emotions are welcomed, support is provided, empathy is rampant. I know we can build these circles within our own mini social spheres, but the task is so daunting and feels impossible given how often people’s lives are distracted with every day tasks… we forget to check in with each other and even with ourselves.

Really, I think we’ve all grown a bit numb to life. Its a coping mechanism for dealing with all the adversity we constantly face… but we need to remember to allow ourselves to feel; feel our own pain and from that, help others with theirs. Its the only way to clear through it and progress as a race and in our journey of happiness.